Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents Read online

  “This excellent book offers a practical, concise understanding of how emotionally immature (EI) parents impact your feelings, thoughts, and behavior. With specific examples and exercises, you can learn how to express yourself and reduce fear and self-doubt to reclaim your right to your own emotional health and well-being. The depth of Gibson’s therapeutic skills, sound psychological principles, and practical tools make this a must-read for anyone whose life has been challenged by the emotional immaturity of others. A valuable resource for the general public as well as professionals!”

  —Louise B. Lubin, PhD, licensed clinical psychologist, and retired community faculty at Eastern Virginia Medical School

  “Most everyone emerges from their childhood with a few emotional scars, anxieties, or insecurities. However, many children sustain serious emotional wounds when they have been raised by insensitive, self-absorbed, and controlling parents. Young children or adolescents in these situations can’t see the big picture, are powerless to fight back, and often blame themselves for their predicament—locking in their emotional wounds for a lifetime.

  Fortunately, the brilliance of Gibson’s book sheds the light of understanding and provides the keys to healing for countless recovering individuals. This book is readable, relevant, grounded in solid science, and yet so accessible to the person searching for answers and healing from their wounds. It is a must-read for every student of human behavior and every mental health professional.”

  —Dan W. Briddell, PhD, licensed and board-certified clinical psychologist with over forty years of clinical practice experience, and author of The Love Bug and Other Tales of Psychotherapy

  “In her newest book, Lindsay Gibson provides a beautifully written, easy-to-understand guidebook for all those who have had to struggle with being raised by EI parents. Gibson takes the reader through a straightforward, step-by-step approach, defining and explaining what EI parents look like, and how their conscious and unconscious behaviors have powerful and lasting effects on their children.

  Using case studies, interactive written exercises, and a comprehensive Bill of Rights, Gibson empowers those who have been raised by EI parents to fully reclaim their authentic selves.”

  —Kenneth A. Siegel, PhD, clinical psychologist with over forty years of experience

  “Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents is a must-read for any adult who has ever struggled with a parental relationship, as well as therapists who expect to skillfully guide clients toward creating their own best lives. Reading Lindsay Gibson’s masterful book is like spending time under the care of a gifted, grounded, and compassionate psychologist. It will broaden every reader’s self-concept and strengthen his or her self-confidence. Beginning to end, it is filled with brilliant translations and applications of therapeutic concepts to the world of real, lived experiences.”

  —Gretchen LeFever Watson, PhD, clinical psychologist, professor at Ross University School of Medicine, and author of Your Patient Safety Survival Guide

  “What a gift! After spending forty years talking with clients about the issues and solutions Lindsay Gibson addresses in this extraordinary book, finally there’s one highly readable resource that provides a complete, in-depth look at what every client needs to know. Clear and concise explanations alongside extremely helpful exercises make this book an absolute must-read for the multitudes that experience the challenge of EI parents. Not just a book for the children of EI parents, but a fantastic one-stop resource for anyone dealing with a core set of problems we all actually struggle with in the majority of our adult relationships.”

  —David Gordon, PhD, clinical psychologist in private practice in Norfolk, VA; author of Mindful Dreaming; and founder of the Dreamwork Institute

  “This book is a gift for those who have grown up with an EI parent. Gibson gets it—and she will help you feel seen and known in a way that you likely never felt with your parent. You’ll be able to put words to your pain, so you can understand it, work through it, and ultimately separate from it as you work toward building relationships with yourself and others that will be more emotionally fulfilling. It is clear how much she genuinely cares for her clients and readers, and wants to support them in their journey.”

  —Kathy Nguyen Li, PsyD, licensed psychologist, and owner of Sage Counseling, PLLC, in Washington, D.C.

  “For those who have lived their lives in the shadow of their EI parent’s pain—Gibson teaches, with clarity and comfort, that who you are today is quite different from who and what you were taught to believe. She gives you permission to leave your parent’s issues with them—to free yourself of ownership of their thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Gibson has offered a gift! Embrace it and look to your new future with peace and the power of the true you!”

  —Pamela Brewer, MSW, PhD, LCSW-C, psychotherapist; host of MyNDTALK with Dr. Pamela Brewer, a daily relationship and mental health podcast/broadcast

  “A rare book that goes beyond self-help and provides true therapy. Gibson’s presence is felt throughout, breaking through the reader’s emotional isolation and providing gentle, concrete guidance through a daunting journey. An intelligent and generous work.”

  —Laurie Helgoe, PhD, author of Introvert Power and Fragile Bully

  “Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents is a true gift to readers who have difficulty acknowledging the legitimacy of their needs and feelings because their EI parents unconsciously placed their own needs front and center during the readers’ formative years. Clearly formulated and chock-full of useful case illustrations and written exercises, this book vividly conveys the dynamics that leave children burdened by emotional imperatives that are not their own. By helping readers experience the compassion their parents couldn’t convey, Gibson guides the reader to a treasure trove: the long-awaited experience of autonomy, authenticity, and vitality!”

  —Sarah Y. Krakauer, PsyD, author of Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder

  “Lindsay Gibson has again written a valuable book in Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents. It contains extensive wisdom, thoughts, and tools for searching one’s inner experiences, self-talk, and feelings from growing up with EI parents. This book is a resource for both individuals on a personal journey and therapists, in the human quest to heal life’s wounds and grow into a more joyful and fulfilled life. Gibson’s compassionate guidance is well researched with ­individual stories to enhance our understanding. She closes with a Bill of Rights for Adult Children of EI parents that is helpful for anyone in conflicted relationships.”

  —Mary Ann Kearley, CNS, LPC, clinical nurse specialist in mental health, and licensed professional counselor in private practice in Chesapeake, VA

  “Lindsay Gibson’s latest book, Recovering from Emotionally Immature Parents, is a page-turner—a lively exploration along the path of losing and reclaiming oneself. With depth and research, Gibson grounds her many practical and creative suggestions with the fallout of family dynamics that cause us to lose our ‘emotional autonomy.’ If you’ve ever squirmed in an interpersonal situation, you will have tools for that too. Gibson shows that change is best served by self-connection over self-correction. Positivity and confidence can replace negativity and guilt. Gibson’s own humility, striking clarity, and openness invite readers into a mind-set of challenges and comfort. In writing this book, she acknowledges her dream of seeing readers gain the knowledge to truly be themselves.”

  —Lynn Zoll, EdD, clinical psychologist with over thirty-five years of experience and a private practice in Virginia Beach, VA

  “I loved Lindsay Gibs
on’s innovative look at EI parenting from her perspective as a seasoned clinician who sees the continuing effects of earlier parenting play out in her patients’ adult lives. Her clinical examples are deeply moving and encourage the use of the practical therapeutic exercise tools she provides in each chapter to break long-formed habits, and as a result, foster a true self-view. This book is highly needed at a time when we seem to have forgotten the values of self-reflection and honesty.”

  —Kathrin Hartmann, PhD, psychotherapist, and professor at Eastern Virginia Medical School in Norfolk, VA

  “In her latest book, Lindsay Gibson provides a unique glimpse into the inner workings of the EI mind and soul. She masterfully describes the challenges involved in relating to these people, and then guides the reader on a focused journey toward reclaiming their sense of Self.

  Complex psychological concepts and skills are portrayed in a crystal-clear manner, leading the reader out of entrapment and into empowering relationships with themselves and others.

  This book is a rare gem! I can’t wait to share it with anyone interested in staying connected with the spark within themselves, and living in a transformational way!”

  —Kim Forbes, MEd, LCSW, ACSW, owner of Still Point Psychotherapy; psychotherapist in private practice for twenty-five years in Virginia Beach, VA; and student and teacher of psychological and spiritual transformation

  Publisher’s Note

  All the case examples in this book come from people who gave their permission to include their stories and quotes in this work. The identifying data of psychotherapy clients has been thoroughly disguised, and in some cases combined to preserve maximum confidentiality. Examples used were representative of many other client experiences as well, and were chosen for their universality.

  While books such as this can be tremendously helpful, there is no substitute for psychotherapy, support groups, or other forms of face-to-face help. This book is not intended to be a substitute for psychotherapy, but an adjunct to it. Readers who feel the need are encouraged to seek out a psychotherapist who can help them work through the issues that may come up in reading this book.

  Distributed in Canada by Raincoast Books

  Copyright © 2019 by Lindsay C. Gibson

  New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

  5674 Shattuck Avenue

  Oakland, CA 94609

  www.newharbinger.com

  Cover design by Amy Shoup

  Acquired by Tesilya Hanauer

  Edited by Gretel Hakanson

  All Rights Reserved

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data to come

  For Skip

  To infinity and beyond

  Contents

  Introduction

  Part I: What You’ve Been Up Against

  Dealing with Emotional Immaturity

  Chapter 1: Your Emotionally Immature Parent

  What It’s Like to Be Involved with Them and How They Got to Be That Way

  Chapter 2: Understanding Emotionally Immature Parents

  Their Personality Traits and Emotional Takeovers

  Chapter 3: Longing for a Relationship with Your EI Parent

  Why You Keep Trying

  Chapter 4: How to Resist Emotional Takeovers

  Recognize Others’ Distortions and Don’t Disconnect from Yourself

  Chapter 5: Skills to Manage Interactions and Evade Coercions

  Actions That Empower You

  Chapter 6: EI Parents Are Hostile Toward Your Inner World

  How to Defend Your Right to Your Innermost Experiences

  Part II: Emotional Autonomy

  Reclaiming the Freedom to Be Yourself

  Chapter 7: Nurturing Your Relationship with Yourself

  How to Trust Your Inner World

  Chapter 8: The Art of Mental Clearing

  Making Room for Your Own Mind

  Chapter 9: Updating Your Self-Concept

  How to Correct Distortions and Enhance Self-Confidence

  Chapter 10: Now You Can Have the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted

  Just Focus on One Interaction at a Time

  Epilogue: Bill of Rights for Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

  Acknowledgments

  References

  Introduction

  One day listening to a client talk about her dad, I realized that her father wasn’t just inappropriate and abusive; he was pathologically immature. Her father had the impetuosity and egocentrism of a very young child, with no thought for his impact on her. At an emotional level, he was like a giant toddler—at best, a fourteen-year-old. I thought of how many psychotherapy clients I’d had whose childhoods were overshadowed by this kind of parental unpredictability and emotional overreactivity. They grew up as captives of emotionally immature parents—psychological infants armed with rigid authority and a powerful adult body. That day I saw these parents differently, stripped of all their false authority and revealed for the bullies they were.

  Other clients had emotionally immature (EI) parents who were better behaved but were so aloof—even outright rejecting—that their children grew up feeling emotionally lonely and connection-deprived. Although these parents often looked competent and dependable on the outside, they were so self-preoccupied and limited in empathy that they couldn’t engage with their children. Still other clients’ parents were pleasant enough but betrayed the child by absenting themselves whenever the child had a real problem or needed protection.

  Whatever their differences in individual behaviors, my clients’ emotionally immature parents were the same under the skin: all lacked in empathy, all were self-involved, and all could not sustain a satisfying emotional connection with their children. Overall, many of my clients grew up in a family atmosphere characterized by conflict, mockery, and a lack of emotional intimacy.

  Paradoxically, many EI parents can behave like real adults in other ways, functioning well at work or in their social group. From the outside, it was hard to believe they could cause such misery at home for their children.

  As children, my clients were deeply confused by their parents’ contradictory personalities. The only thing that made sense was to blame themselves. Those who felt mistreated or overlooked as children figured it was their fault for not being lovable or interesting enough. These clients saw their emotional needs as illegitimate, felt guilty for being angry at their parents, and minimized or made excuses for their parents’ behavior. (“Sure, they hit me, but so did a lot of parents in those days.”)

  The Problem with Emotionally Immature Parents

  A childhood spent with EI parents can lead to long-lasting feelings of emotional loneliness, as well as ambivalence about relationships in general. Emotional loneliness is the result of feeling unseen and unresponded to, no matter how hard you try to communicate and connect. In adulthood, these children were often attracted to unsatisfying, disappointing partners and friends who seemed very familiar in their self-involvement and refusal to connect at a deeper emotional level.

  When I teach clients about EI parents, many recognize their own histories. It’s like a light bulb going on. It explains a parent whose love felt self-centered and who rejected their child’s attempts at deeper emotional connection. Once they understand their parents’ emotional immaturity, pivotal moments in childhood make sense to them at last. Seeing their parents’ limitations more objectively, they no longer have to be prisoners of their parents’ immaturity.

  It’s not just actual abuse that’s harmful. The whole parenting approach of these parents is emotionally unhealthy, creating a climate of anxiety and untrustworthiness between parent and child. They treat children in such superficial, coercive, and judgmental ways that they undermine their children’s ability to trust their own thoughts and feelings, thereby restricting the development of their children’s intuition, self-gui
dance, efficacy, and autonomy.

  As a child of an EI parent, you may have learned to shut yourself down in order not to upset your parent’s emotional applecart. This is because your spontaneity might easily offend a thin-skinned EI parent. The intense reactivity of EI parents trains their children to be inhibited, passive, and acquiescent instead of nurturing their individuality and trust in others. In order to get along with these parents, it’s easier in the short run to tune out who you really are and what you really want. But in the long run, you end up burdened by obligation, guilt, shame, and feeling trapped in your family role. The good news is that once you understand these parents and their effects, your life will be your own again

  The Purpose of This Book

  Understanding how parental emotional immaturity has affected you is what this book is all about. Until you grasp your parent’s psychological limitations, you may blame yourself wrongly or keep hoping for changes they won’t make. This book will help you see what you’ve been up against while understanding your parent in the deepest possible way.

  You are going to learn to name and explain EI characteristics and behaviors that have never been popularly defined. My aim in writing this book is to give you a language for everything that goes on in EI relationships, both what happens between you and them, and what happens inside yourself as you try to cope with them. Once you can name it, you can deal with it. The impact of emotionally immature persons (EIPs) doesn’t have to rule your life. You can figure out their effect on you and neutralize it.

  Throughout the book, you’ll also find writing exercises to strengthen your self-awareness and gain insight into your experiences with EI parents and other EIPs. I hope you find these interactive exercises both enlightening and fun.

  The Timeliness of Understanding Emotional Immaturity

  This topic of emotional immaturity has never been more important. EI behavior is widespread these days, and EIPs cause enormous suffering in all walks of life. Because EIPs insist on dominating and being the center of importance, they don’t leave room or resources for others to be fully themselves. Their me-first entitlement and self-justifications negate the rights of other people, giving them free rein for abuse, harassment, prejudice, exploitation, and corruption of all types.